At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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