Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you're hired as official boob wrangler
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize