I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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