I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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