you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is Oprah even human
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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