I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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