it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize