Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
