i wish my penis had a tongue
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
