ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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