Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
