a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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