Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
