In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
