omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
