If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
