dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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