Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
