so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
