apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
