The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
