I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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