The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
