Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
