dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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