I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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