I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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