You really coming over, don't trick.
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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