Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
