I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so let's talk penis.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
