Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Life is so much better after having sex.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
