I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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