I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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