Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
