I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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