He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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