I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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