Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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