Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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