38 yer olds are good kisserssss
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
