I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize