seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
