I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
