My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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