well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
