im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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