im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
