I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
