uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
