thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Found the puke drawer
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
