Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
