Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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