Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
