I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
