I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
