I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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