i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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