How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
