I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
